Bovine Theology

I’m sorry if it bugs you, but I’m just not much of a fan of Halloween. I never have been. And each year, either because I am getting older, or because Halloween is really growing, this “holiday” seems to be celebrated more and more. It seems like it is becoming a lot like Christmas. This year I heard people talk about “the Halloween season” and the “spirit of Halloween” (I think they meant a lower case “s”). People are really decorating their yards these days, and their houses with Halloween paraphernalia. It just seems strange. What about Halloween is happy? Everyone always says it’s the candy, but Halloween isn’t really about candy. We get candy for a bunch of other reasons, but that’s not why we enjoy Christmas or Easter…and not to make this totally a secular/sacred argument, we do say things like “Happy 4th of July” and that does seem happy enough. But Halloween celebrates dead things, morose things, macabre things. What’s happy about that?

You probably think I’m being Ebenezer Scrooge, but please…reserve him for Christmas! Or maybe you think I’m legalistic and think Halloween is sinful. I’m not. Maybe, you’ll argue, it’s because I have no memory of trick-or-treating and that has scarred me for life. Maybe so. I don’t remember ever trick-or-treating, but I do think there is a picture of me at the age of 3 in a Casper the Ghost costume. You’ll have to ask the parents who deprived me of such festivities. But Halloween just doesn’t seem “happy” to me.

Personally, I don’t think I missed out. I don’t think there is much to celebrate about Halloween. What good comes from celebrating a witch, a skeleton, or a monster? Am I missing something? I think Peggy Noonan makes a good point when she states, “What you applaud, you encourage. And: Watch out what you celebrate!” I think this is especially true of matters relating to Hollywood and the entertainment industry. Which is a nice segue, although not intended, to mention my frustration with the inbredness of the media and entertainment industry. Since Leslie has been sick, I’ve been upstairs more. Which means I’ve been around the TV more and have seen news and award shows. I guess having not seen these for a while, and then watching them now, it is painfully clear to me that Hollywood and the media do nothing more than get together and pat each other on the back. This global warming thing is a good example, with Al Gore being the chief example. Come on! This guy is the biggest hypocrite when it comes to personal responsibility for conservation and they pour on the awards??? More than that, at one award show it was as if they worshipped the man when he came on stage. No one got the applause and ovation that he did. And it is public knowledge that he owns a company that sells these carbon credits that are supposed to offset carbon emissions. That would be like the owner of a bullet-proof vest manufacturing company using the microphone and getting awards that promote the tragic, and frightfully growing trend of gun violence in America. But the circle is so inbred, they fail to see it. And America keeps clapping, and even celebrating, by watching the shows and movies they produce. And we wonder why their agenda gains the ground with the speed that it does! Frankly, Hollywood scares me more than the little ghouls running around the neighborhood tonight. By the way, if you’re really mad at me now and think I’m totally cuckoo for saying anything negative about global warming let me clarify. I know that over the past 100 years the earth’s average temperature has increased by 1 degree. That is not debated. The question is, “what caused it?” I’m just not convinced that it is completely man, and I’m especially not convinced that the end of the world is coming as a result of global warming. One of the people in the media who I do enjoy, John Stossel, has written a good editorial on this subject recently, and I commend it to you. I must also mention another article by him regarding a subject that I think points out another level of hypocrisy in Hollywood, and especially among rich liberals (which pretty much defines Hollywood).

Whew, that’s some scary blogging there!

On a more important matter than my own banterings, Leslie is still not feeling well. The chemo continues to wear her down. She was in bed much of the day. Our friends, Ralph & Ann, came and saved her this afternoon by coming to get the kids and taking them to the park and Chick-fil-A for dinner. They then took them to First Baptist where the kids met up with Grandad, Mimi, and Poppie for “Trick-or-Trunk.” The members of FBC parked cars around the loop at the church and handed out candy out of their trunks. Kind of a cute, and safe way to do it. And see, I’m not depriving my children!! They had a wonderful time, and made some good memories with Grandad, Mimi, and Poppie. Of course, I do have a mind to sneak into their candy bags tonight and throw out half of it. Hmmm, that might be a risky move worth making!

Pray that Leslie’s body will rebound quickly, that the kids will feel secure (they continue to get up in the night), and that I won’t be such an unbelievable wretch of a husband, father, and employee in the midst of all of this.

Before signing off, I want to include a video that Leslie has on her blog. It is extremely encouraging and powerful…and worth every bit of the 13:22 of your time. The authenticity with which this guy speaks given his condition is mind-boggling. I should be this confident in Christ in my situation, and it pales in comparison to his.

I just haven’t had much time to write, so here is a quick update until I get the opportunity to write more.

We had four really good days, in a row. But Monday, Leslie was up and down with her tummy from 12:40 AM on until 7 AM when we finally all faced the reality that we had to get up and go. It was an exhausting day.

Today, Leslie went for her chemotherapy treatment and so far just feels very wiped out. Her parents are helping out until I can get home each evening, which has been a huge blessing. Some friends from Westminster are also bring dinner tonight, for which I am very thankful.

The kids are really stretched right now. We ended up with 2 on our bedroom floor before morning came this AM. Everything seems to be a big deal right now…lots of drama. I think they’re each dealing with more than they can communicate. Pray for wisdom as we try to lovingly care for them.

Today was a good day. I am thankful for good days. The weather was gorgeous.

Our friends Russ and Jill came by. They were passing through and were just going to stop for a minute, but we insisted they come in and get the kids out of the van. They finally conceded and we had a wonderful, although short, visit.

McGrooter and I went and got our hair cut, and then we all met up for lunch. Afterward, Leslie stopped in one of the shops on the square and McGrooter and Munchkin posed for a few photographs. Munchkin jumped off the step dozens of times, but then had to take a rest. McGrooter climbed on top of a post and stayed perched until I pulled him down. Aggie and Munch then posed with one of the many “scarecrows” that decorated the Gainesville square. We ran a few more errands and then I took the kids home while Leslie did a few more things in town. I got some cleaning in the garage accomplished while the kids played outside. It was as normal a day as we’ve had in some time, and something I am thankful for.

Leslie has had a few good days, for which we are very thankful. Our friend, Cindy, came over last night and helped around the house and with the kids. Then she came back today and spent the day cleaning and straightening. I can not convey how much this means to us. It has removed so much stress from our home, and will allow us to enjoy our weekend more and maybe even get some rest! Thank you so much Cindy!

I grilled out tonight and then we had movie night with the kids. It really was an enjoyable evening.

We have certainly had our share of ups and downs over the past several days. In fact, let me just go ahead and say, if I haven’t posted, PRAY! It usually means I’m so overwhelmed that I haven’t even gotten to the computer…which has other implications, such as getting behind on my work. Tonight, I am three days behind my work and will probably not get all the way caught up. I’m exhausted, but encouraged. Leslie stayed home and rested today, and tonight she looks and feels much better.

Tuesday started out as a good day, and then went downhill in the afternoon. She called me in the afternoon and said she was going to her parents after work so they could help with the kids. She was on the couch when I got there, and hadn’t been feeling well. Becky fixed a wonderful dinner and she bathed the kids so I could visit with Mike & Poppie. I feel like it’s been years since we’ve been able to just sit down and visit like that. It was really nice. I brought the kids home and got them down, and Mike & Becky brought Leslie home about an hour or so later once she was feeling better. Becky was particularly concerned about Leslie and thought she may need to go to the ER because of dehydration. Leslie did look bad, but I had seen her much worse, especially during radiation. I wrestled all evening trying to decide, “do I play it safe and take her, or just try and make her comfortable?” I trusted Leslie’s judgment just to give it time and let her get comfortable in bed. That worked and she was asleep before long. I was thankful, but I must say that was an awful time to go through, questioning my judgment over-and-over again. Today Leslie rested and was able to begin eating again, slowly but surely. Becky was here with her most of the day, and got several things from the store to help her eat/drink. She also took care of dinner again for us tonight. I was able to focus on the kids, which they really need right now. Then, once I got them in bed, I didn’t have to scurry about the kitchen cleaning up, and actually got to sit and talk with Leslie for about 15 minutes. Thanks Becky!!!

The thing that really struck me is that one minute Leslie can look great and seem to be doing great. It’s at those times that we get to get out and go places and do things. And that’s usually when people see her. But there’s another side to this cancer treatment ordeal that few get to see (or should see). Maybe that’s what I end up writing about the most because that is what touches me the most. I hurt so deeply when I see her in so much pain. But I can’t neglect that we have had good moments. And I have to say I am very thankful for them. Maybe I should write more about the days she can leave the house.

Tomorrow, Leslie will go to work. Please pray she can make it through the day.

On a separate note, I scanned the paper tonight and one editorial caught my eye. I usually don’t read editorials because I don’t need any added stress in my life right now. But for whatever reason, I read this article by Diana West, a writer for the Washington Times. It’s not a perspective we hear often, but one we should consider. And in the same way the West is guilty of self-censoring (which may lead to its demise), I think as Christians we often do the same thing. Fearing offending someone we are, in many ways, losing our orthodoxy.

Today was a slow day. I woke up feeling run over, with a headache. We didn’t make it to church. Leslie felt bad most of the day, and the kids were pretty much overrun by cabin fever. But we made it through. We had a surprise visit by Grandad and Mimi this evening, which was a welcome break to the monotony.

I don’t have much time to write this evening. I wish I had gone to bed a few hours ago. But I will encourage you to read Leslie’s post about a conversation she had with McGrooter.

Last night, Friday, Leslie began to feel better. I thought she was coming out of the woods after her first chemo treatment. However, today she has gone back down hill. The cycle of taking meds for the variety of symptoms is wreaking havoc on her body. She continues to eat very little, and remains in a lot of pain.

I’m learning to do what I can, and try to be content with that. It seems that with the beginning of each day there are so many things to be done, but there is never enough time to get it all done. It isn’t much different than what most moms must do, I guess. I’m just not that good at multi-tasking, unless it’s on a computer. I did manage to meet most of my goals for the day, though. I got the trash hauled off, the kitchen cleaned up (now it needs it again, of course), the laundry started, and made a few trips to the store. I wasn’t able to carry on our weekly tradition of a pancake breakfast, so I fixed pancakes for dinner. The kids always love that!

But by the time bedtime rolled around, I was frazzled. I needed to get the kids down, and get all the trash rounded up and to the dump before 9. I also had to get to Best Buy by then to replace my router which died today. It was a little thing, but I wanted to get it back up and running so that Leslie could use her computer and I could also work upstairs. As the clock ticked, my patience diminished. I hate that. I wish I could finish strong each day, without “losing it.” But I so often fail.

Leslie has been a caretaker to me in this matter, speaking softly and showing a lot of understanding. I don’t mean to come across as a nutcase, but I’m sure I sound like I’m constantly at the end of my rope. I really have a lot to be thankful for. The kids have been real troopers, and Leslie waits with great patience. I’m constantly forgetting what I was doing, but she reminds me, with great care.

In the midst of all of this, I see Christ’s adequacy in my constant inadequacy. He holds our family together, and I know is at work for His glory. I just pray that my children will not be scarred by my shortcomings (okay, I know they will some), but will have a big view of God and will learn to trust Him even at their young ages.

Leslie had a rough night last night. She was up until 4:30, and then slept a little bit until 7:30. Needless to say, she didn’t make it to work. I stayed home to take her to the doctor to have the pump removed. We were there a while, while the nurses tended to her. They kept telling me I had to pamper her. They meant well by it, but it felt more like an attack (as if I wasn’t doing enough). They gave her a flu shot too, and I got mine yesterday. I hope to not have that little bug visit our home this winter in particular.

There wasn’t time to get her home and then go back and get the kids, so we stopped by on the way home and got them (a little early). We met Kristin to get Munchkin from her and then brought Les home and the kids and I went to run some errands. We had a pretty quiet evening. Leslie hasn’t been able to eat much and she continues to lose weight. Her stomach and intestines give her constant grief. I’m not sure if last night was more about her colon and what has happened there in the past 3 months or the chemo and its effects on her body. And then there are all the other drugs and their effects.

Going with Leslie to her appointment today made me the saddest I’ve been. It is a hard room to go and spend any time in, watching cancer patients all around you, as they are administered chemo. I don’t think there was anyone under 60 in the room besides us and the nurses. It was sad; strange and sad. I’m sure my emotional state is more vulnerable under the stress of trying to do everything right now, and the lack of sleep. But I was really fighting back the tears as we drove out of the parking lot. Fortunately, Leslie didn’t know it and she started a conversation about something else, which helped me get my mind off of her condition.

I know all the right things to say to myself, and all the right things I am supposed to be thinking, but on days like this those seem to help so little. I am continually telling myself, “He won’t give you more than you can bear,” even though I feel like this is more than I can bear. I’m beyond self-pity. It’s just plain and simple exhaustion and inability to change our reality. Even if I go to bed early, I wake up just as tired, or the kids get me up all night, or I can’t sleep… And if I go down and exercise, and start that “routine” for the 100th time, something will happen and I’ll miss three or four days and have to go through starting over again. And even if I try to take on a new project to spin out a little more cash, it will turn in to some impossible-to-solve monstrocity that I began wondering why I took it on in the first place. I know I must sound like a total defeatest. I know better and I guess I’m stupid for being this vulnerable on a blog, but that is how I feel. And there is something in the honesty of writing this that causes me to think, ”I’m living what I’ve preached for years.”

Yep, all those years I stood before youth, and later in the pulpit before young and old, I preached about trusting God, getting through really difficult stuff, dealing with major hurt, heartache, and suffering. And all the while I had nothing to complain about. Sure, I thought I’d endured suffering and hard times, but I didn’t have a clue. And now I’m getting to live it, and fail through it, and see Christ (if ever so faintly). Tim Challies wrote similarly about this when addressing the questions of if/when he would write another book. He responded, “when I’ve lived my first one.” So in a sense, I’m having to take some of the medicine I dished out to so many others, and maybe when I get to the point of not being a total nut in the pressure cooker, then I’ll be ready for the next pressure pot. Personally, I’d like to just stew in a crock pot for a while. Wow, all these cooking analogies remind me, I’ve got a kitchen to clean and lunches to pack, and a web business to run, and laundry to do, and fish to feed, and email to check…hmmm, guess I should stuff all this back in and get back to reality.

So on a lighter note (which I need, and maybe you do too if you’ve read down this far)…Today, my ever-so-thoughtful friend, Van, sent me two articles that made him think of me. The first, a missions-related article, was funny. But I really wanted to see the original picture!! The second, a coffee-related article, was even funnier…and yet heart-breaking. I occasionally read Tim Challie’s blog (I really don’t have much time to read any blogs, let alone write my own, so it is no slight to Tim), but this post really changed my perception of him. I thought he was on target on a number of things (but certainly not everything , mind you). But as I learned about his position on coffee, and especially Starbucks, I found myself writing his name down on my prayer list. How could someone so perceptive be so wanting of something so foundational as a love and appreciation for man’s most affordable luxury? I have no answer.

But from Tim’s blog, I found myself moving to other blogs I occasionally read (which is why I usually don’t start in the first place…because I realize an hour later that I’ve just been sitting and reading). I had to share one particular post that I read. It is one of those that is that good. And it is really not so much the post as it is the audio clip (which you must listen to in it’s entirety…trust me). If you have 10 minutes, read this post by Phil Johnson, then listen to the audio.

Leslie had a good day today, but her strength went downhill this evening. She is feeling nauseous and just plain yucky. The kids did well tonight, and Leslie’s former boss brought dinner, entertained the kids, and cleaned the kitchen. It allowed for a smooth bedtime routine which was a huge blessing. I feel so helpless at this point, unable to do much for Leslie other than bring her what she needs. I’m praying for a quiet night with peaceful rest for us all.

Today, Leslie began her first intravenous chemotherapy treatment. It lasted more than four hours and she did great! (Click here to see her patiently sitting) Her sister, Dana, took her and was with her for the treatment. One of the side effects is that she must avoid any exposure to anything cold. I thought this was weird, but it is really a big deal. She can’t even open the fridge or freezer. The effect is that she would have difficulty breathing, and could even need to go to the ER. So we are being careful. So far she feels fine, other than being tired. She is wearing a chemo pump which will be removed on Thursday.

It was a hard day for me, not being with her. I kept thinking about her sitting in that chair. Even though the process wasn’t painful, I hurt knowing what is going in her body. It is basically poison. But this stage of the process is to keep the cancer from returning, so it is very worthwhile. But it is hard for me to think about this being our life for the next six months. I probably sound selfish, but I’m not worried about me. I just wish she was going to a spa, or anything else besides this.

She is planning on returning to work tomorrow, with her pump in tow. Please pray for her stamina, and as petty as this may sound, that her pump and tube would not get caught on anything that would cause the needle to be pulled out. Pray too that she will have good health. It is that time of the year and two of our kids are already sniffling. She is supposed to avoid as much exposure as possible, and this isn’t simple when you work in an elementary school. Pray too that our little ones will be as understanding as they can at their age. I’m praying specifically that God would grant them an extra measure of grace to lovingly care for their mother.