We learned of another bump in the road for our family yesterday. After experiencing a great deal of pain, Leslie’s father, Mike, went to the doctor thinking he had a kidney stone. After a CT scan, he learned that he has a softball-sized cyst on his kidney. As far as we know, this is caused by a disease he has called PKD (polycystic kidney disease). Please be in prayer for Mike and Becky as they go to the urologist tomorrow to find out what is next.
Today, Leslie went to see the surgeon about the fissure. She was prescribed a cream to treat this and we hope it provides some relief for her. Dr. Strom also gave her some pain medicine to help. Leslie continues to be worn out. It is such a hard thing to witness. But tonight we had a few moments together just to talk and pray. I find it difficult to pray more meaningfully than, “God, please help us.” He continues to meet our needs. Just yesterday, I prayed as I was leaving about the grass being cut. I hadn’t said anything to anyone about it, but couldn’t figure out how I was going to get it done. It was something so trivial to pray about. Yet that afternoon, Leslie’s brother Wil came over and cut the grass. I was convicted to pray more.
I haven’t written much about the “why” question. But believe me, I do struggle with it. I never dreamed of this being our lives together. I struggle with much more than the “why” of cancer and back injury, and all the physical struggles our family members are going through. I struggle with why Leslie is working, why God has led me out of pastoral ministry and kept me out for so long, why our kids are having to go through this. I know God is sovereign. I don’t have as much trouble with my thoughts as I do with my feelings. I know there is purpose in all of this, but I don’t always feel any great purpose. I am thankful I don’t have to be enslaved to my feelings. As much as they are a real struggle, I know truth (reality) trumps feelings. And so I press on, and I thank all of you who are praying with us.
Today was a better day for Leslie. Actually, it was better for all of us. Leslie went to work, then to her radiation appointment and afterward to see the oncologist. There she found out that she has a fissure, which has been the cause of the pain. She’s still experiencing a great deal of pain, but it is encouraging to at least know what is causing it. On Thursday, she is set to see the surgeon, Dr. Pris Strom, to talk about options to deal with the fissure.
Kristen helped us out today by not only caring for Munchkin, but also picked up the older two after school and watched them all until Leslie could get home.
This evening, our pastor came over for what I thought was a “working evening” to go over stuff for the church. But instead, he just said, “We’re going to talk.” He mostly listened from 9:30 until 11:00 as I got to vent, unload, etc… It was a real encouragement to me, and he also reassured us of their love for us. We’re also excited to be a part of the launch team, with no expectations, for the church. This is something our hearts are in, but we are limited due to what’s going on in our lives. How thankful I am for such a wonderful pastor and church!
Today was a rough day for Leslie. I decided to stay home with her because she was so weak and I didn’t want her to drive herself to radiation. She’s had trouble eating or drinking anything. At her appointment, the oncologist prescribed a stronger medication (stronger than Immodium) that we hope will provide some relief for her. She has been able to eat a few things today.
I feel like the screws are another notch tighter on us during this stage. It’s caused me to think a lot about my cousin, Wayne, who many years ago went through cancer with his wife, Mary. I’ve always grieved for Wayne because he lost his wife to the battle. But I never gave much consideration to what he must have gone through in the months beforehand. They had four young girls at the time. I’m only getting a taste of what it is like to carry the load, and I’m not trying to complain. But I find my fuse getting shorter and shorter. Tonight I had to sit down and apologize to McGrooter for the way I treated him this morning. He’s only six, and yet he’s had to bear the brunt of my frustration and lack of patience. I’m harder on him, I guess because he’s the oldest and because he’s a boy. But as he said to me tonight as I talked with him, “We never get to go outside and throw the football.” And he prayed the night before, “Help Daddy’s back to get better so we can wrestle.” It only adds to the weight to think of what I am doing, and not doing, to him and for him. Staying home today helped me renew my perspective and thank God for protecting us through this process.
Tonight, everyone is upstairs sleeping and I am wrapping up my day’s work. I keep thinking of Wayne, my new hero. He made it through the journey and has seen his girls become women. It’s good to have examples before us who we can remember. Wayne will be the first to tell you where his strength came from during that time. I know that God carried him through, and He will likewise do so for us. Please continue to pray for Leslie’s comfort and for all of us, that our strenght would be renewed.
Today Leslie is at home, as am I. She couldn’t make it to work today. I was concerned about her being here alone and getting to radiation. She’s really weak and not able to eat or drink much. We’re hoping the radiation oncologist can offer some suggestions when we go for today’s treatment.
This weekend we went to Macon for the wedding of Leslie’s cousin, Mindy. We headed to Griffin to drop the kids off at my folks’ place. Leslie had felt pretty good through the morning. But about the time we got to my parents her stomach started hurting. We stayed there longer than we’d planned, waiting for the pain to subside. When we finally got on the road, we had to stop several times on the way trip to Macon.
Thankfully, some over the counter medicine helped (after taking the maximum daily dose) just in time for the wedding. So she was able to enjoy the wedding and reception and time with family. Mindy was beautiful, and it was touching to see Girard moved to tears as she came down the aisle with her dad. We had a great time until about 9 when Leslie was finally worn out (we hear the festivities continued on for a few more hours!).
Today has been worse. Leslie has eaten very little; just enough to take her chemo pills. We were able to make it to my folks to get the kids but then had to camp out there a while. Then we came on home and she hit the bed. Pray that she will feel renewed in the morning.
The kids did have a great time at Pop and Grandma’s. They got to max out on sugar, and each had their own pack of gum (not sugar free). We managed to leave only one pack at my parents’. We borrowed Lady and the Tramp for the ride home, which helped pass the journey for the kids, and put Aggie to sleep. It rained most of the way back, so I was thankful to have some quiet to help concentrate.
I’m concerned about Leslie’s strength from not eating. And she’s experiencing a good deal of pain. So pray for both of those matters as we start a new week and she begins another round of radiation.
Once again, I feel blown away. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine at work, Kendra, expressed how she wanted to do something for Leslie. She has been reading Leslie’s blog and then some other cancer survivors’ blogs. One of the things she recounted (I’ll quote some of the letter Kendra wrote to Leslie), “[I] read about this particular woman’s experience and some things that her friends did that encouraged her while she was going through treatment. One thing that struck me was her talking about receiving “gifts of beauty” – things that made her environment more beautiful, more cheerful, while she was feeling plain yuck. So that got the wheels spinning in my mind…” What developed in Kendra’s mind was to hold a Southern Living at Home party in Leslie’s honor, making Leslie the surprise hostess (Kendra is a SL at Home consultant). “So for the last three weeks,” writes Kendra, “your friends and family all over Georgia have been buying Southern Living at Home products in your honor.” The result is that Leslie would get the “hostess dollars” as a shopping spree to buy some “gifts of beauty” for her home.
When Kendra first mentioned her idea to me, I was so moved that anyone would want to do something for Leslie like this. But I was even more encouraged when I saw how many people responded to this invitation. My mom took the catalog to her work, and Leslie’s friend Sara took it to her school. Kendra also put the word out at our work and even had a party.
I have to say, I expected some people to take part. And I thought it would be nice for Leslie to have a little gift certificate to SL. But I had no idea how great this conspiracy would become. Today I brought home a card, a very big card, that had been signed by a number of people from MTW. In it was a letter (from which I quoted above) that explained what had been done. At the bottom of the letter were instructions to turn over the paper to see the amount she had as a shopping spree. In the beginning, I thought maybe $100 or $150 would be a very nice spree. I am still not believing that Leslie has $1000, yes…that’s three zeroes. When Kendra told me, my mouth dropped open. And you should have seen Leslie’s reaction when she opened the card and read the letter. Actually, you can see it here in this video:
Now let me explain why this was so meaningful to me. It wasn’t the shopping spree, or the amount (that might have been different if Southern Living at Home made plasma TVs). I was so amazed that people would be a part of something, knowing it was to bless my wife. I know people ordered things they probably like. But I bet a lot of people ordered, not because they were dying for a certain product, but because they wanted to encourage Leslie. And more so, it gave a number of people, who don’t know Leslie, the opportunity to almost reach out and touch her. It allowed them to be a part of her struggle, and encourage her along in the race. So thanks Kendra, mom, Sara, and all who participated in this to encourage Leslie. It was a real encouragement to me to see others caring for the one I love so much.
One other cool story for the week. A lady, who we don’t know, brought Leslie a cooler full of food the other day. She explained that when she heard Leslie’s story (I can’t even remember how she heard), she wanted to do something for her (even though she didn’t know her). She is a gourmet chef, and so she began to cook. Our freezer is now stocked with a number of gourmet items, Italian I believe, on which we may dine as the days progress. She told Leslie how she gets one kind of sausage delivered from this place and salmon from another, and so on. I can’t wait to partake!
It was a great day for Leslie, not just with this surprise, but she felt better today than yesterday. It also marks the end of week 2 of radiation. The weekends are a nice break from the radiation too. Tomorrow we head to Macon to attend Leslie’s cousin’s wedding. The kids will keep my folks…I mean, my folks will keep the kids (you know how that works with grandparents). Leslie and I are using some points to stay in a hotel Saturday night and hopefully get some much needed rest.
Leslie had a good day today. It was much better than yesterday. The pain of the side effects continues to be one of the biggest challenges, along with the fatigue.
The week has been a blur for me. I developed a sinus infection a couple days ago so my head has been pretty foggy. It’s such a challenge for me to be patient and kind. I keep having to go back to the fact that I know God is at work, and He is strengthening our faith.
Yesterday, two of Leslie’s “girls” came to bring us dinner. Lauren and Danielle both attended Starr’s Mill High School when Leslie taught there from 99-01. She coached them in volleyball and they met to pray and study God’s Word together. Now, both are through college and married. They are no longer girls, but women. What an encouragement it was to our family for them to bring us dinner (all the way from Fayetteville and Marietta) and visit with us. I was personally challenged to trust God more as I listened to them talk about their lives, and how they love Christ.
Our pastor’s wife and mother came over one morning this week and cleaned our house. They took all of our laundry (and believe me, it was a LOT), and washed it. It was so uplifting to hear them say, over and over, that it was joy for them to serve us in this way. We have truly been blessed by Christ’s body.
As we continue on in this journey, I’m mindful of God’s economy. It’s not ours. He often works in ways that go beyond our understanding. Yet in all the strangeness of His working, we see He is good. It doesn’t always feel good. But we are confident that He is. And this is even more mind-boggling when I think of how I fail. I don’t deserve His goodness. And yet I am still here, somehow making it. Not on my own strength, and certainly not in my own way. I’d choose a much easier path if I could. And so I am thankful that I am not at the helm. I still wonder a lot. I wonder about the “why.” But I don’t have to understand, and believe me I don’t.
One thing in particular that strikes me is how real pain feels. Pleasure often seems surreal, but pain causes me to feel like I am really in the midst of this. Pleasure can be so numbing, but pain reminds me I am alive. It strikes me that my contentment, as rare as that can be these days, is so self-focused. It is not the contentment I long for, contentment in God. But pain leads me to God, because it forces me to rely on Him. And somehow, in that strange way, I can then be content in Him as I should be. I wish the pain were solely mine. But even that is selfish. God is working in my family’s lives as well.
Please keep praying for Leslie. She continues to be a beacon of God’s grace in our home. There is much she could be bitter about, and yet she isn’t. Pray for the kids too. They’re weary. But I can even see God ministering to them, His grace and mercy, through this all.
Today Leslie went to work, then to radiation, and was able to return to work afterward. She had a good day. She is still in a great deal of pain and is working with her doctors to find the best treatment. Her radiation oncologist has been very gracious with his time, reassuring her that he is available to answer any and all of her questions.
After work, Leslie was able to rest while the older two did their homework and watched TV from her bed. We’ve been so thankful for how God has graced them with the patience and care for their mom. Aggie has even enjoyed rubbing her mom’s feet and legs with lotion, and doting on her.
This evening, Leslie and I met with our Pastor, Ralph Johnston, and the elders at East Lanier Community Church. They gave up a great deal of time to talk with us and then pray for us. They annointed Leslie with oil before they prayed. The tears flowed and I was so moved by this great act of shepherding. I am so thankful for these men who put caring for us spiritually over business and administrative tasks. No one looked at their watches. Thoughtful questions and words of deep encouragement flowed to us. It was a beautiful thing.
Today I’m thankful. On Thursday, Leslie called me to tell me that she is no longer teaching 4th grade. My initial reaction was shock. But then she explained to me that her principal had moved her into a new teaching position. Basically, Leslie will be working with students to develop their reading skills. This new position removes the stress of her preparing for daily lectures and classroom activities. Instead, she now has the flexibility to work with students on a more individualized basis. It’s a win-win situation for both her and her class of 4th graders.
I didn’t really even know how to pray, but I knew that Leslie’s physical strength was not such that she could keep up the pace to teach a regular class. I couldn’t imagine a solution. But her principal took it upon herself to solve this challenge. I don’t even have the words to describe the relief I feel, nor the thankfulness I have in my heart for the administration and teachers at her school. She has been loved and cared for in ways that go beyond my imagination.
The radiation and chemo continue to drain her strength. This weekend will be her first break from radiation and my hope is that her body will regain much of the strength she needs to start back with the radiation treatments on Monday.
Tomorrow, my parents are set to come up and get the kids to go and play and allow Leslie and I to have some much needed time together. I hope to also be able to make some headway on a paper that I need to complete for seminary.
Leslie seemed like she got some rest last night and was upbeat this morning. She went to work today. Hopefully she’ll be strong through her 12:40 radiation treatment and then get some rest this afternoon.
