Bovine Theology

It’s an overused cliché, no doubt. And I’m sure I’ll be immediately labeled by some for even acknowledging I know the least bit about country music. But this line has gone through my head more than once in the past few days. And guess what…it’s not for melancholy reasons!

One of the first jokes we made after finding out about Leslie’s cancer (the first was actually her telling me to eat the baked chips but she could have the Cheetos because it was too late) was the song “Live Like You Were Dying.” It was hard for us to acknowledge (or at least it was for me) that we could make jokes and say funny things to each other. But we have, and it’s been healthy. Any way, the song begins with asking a man who has been told he has just a few months to live, how he handled receiving the news. Now let me stop again (I know professional writers must hate this) and say that we don’t think for one minute that Leslie is dying. But the song seemed appropriate because the man’s response was, “I went sky-diving, I went Rocky Mountain climbing, I rode 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu-Manchu.” Leslie said that’s the first song she thought of after receiving the news. There’s really no spiritual value, I guess, other than to that behind these thoughts we acknowledge a sovereign God who gives us the grace to handle what each day presents to us. The moral of the song is that we should live life to the fullest every day.

Tonight, I heard one of Leslie’s favorite songs as I drove home. The line that is so powerful in it is, “God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good, And when I pray it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should, But I do it anyway.” The message of the song is that doing the right thing is always right. And in the midst of what we’re going through it seems like an appropriate song for us to listen to at least a few times.

Today has been a good day, albeit a long one. Leslie has said more than once that this has been the longest weekend ever. We spent most of the day as a family. McGrooter and I got at least one game of Battleship in before I loaded them up to head off to my sister’s for them to spend the night. I’m really overwhelmed by so many who have offered any and everything to help us, including help with the kids. Leslie’s sister Dana headed back to South Carolina today and offered repeatedly to take the kids with her so we could get our house in order. We were torn and ended up declining before she left. But later when my sister called and offered we accepted. I’m floored by how willing Jenny and Curtis were to take our kids for the night, given they have four of their own. But they never gave one hint that it was in any way a bother. They sincerely acted like it was a joy to serve us in this way. I know Dana meant the same thing, as did the number of others who offered.

After I took the kids up, I went to the hospital to meet Leslie there and visit with her grandmother. She is doing a little bit better, but not as well as we wished. After a good visit with her we went and got some dinner and enjoyed a memorable meal together before heading home. She is now resting for the night and I know will enjoy not being woken up by anyone needing to go potty or having a bad dream.

I know I’ve said it too many times, but I must say again that we are overwhelmed by the outpouring of love for us. The past five years have been the darkest of our lives, and in two days nearly all of that darkness has disappeared in the light of care others have shown us. Leslie commented that it’s been like a reunion of all of our friends from the past years. There really are no words to describe it. To all who are reading this who have written and called, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Your care for us has been a beacon of God’s kindness to us through His people.

The past two days have been a whirlwind for us to say the least. The shock of this is finally turning into reality. We’ve been overwhelmed at the outpouring of love for our family. The emails and phone calls (most via voicemail) have been such an encouragement. I’ve found myself listening to voicemails over and over.

Leslie spoke with her new principal today and was really encouraged by her graciousness. My boss and others at MTW have likewise shown us great kindness and support, as has our pastor and his wife.

I still feel like I’m in a fog. Leslie has shown such great strength through this. I can’t imagine what it must be like to face such difficulties apart from being children of the Living God. Seeing His work through His Body to encourage, sustain, and help us is such a faith-building experience.

After the past five years of great difficulty in our lives, I am finally seeing how good God is. The challenges we have faced have been in many ways great preparation for facing something so hard. Just the day before Leslie’s test I picked up a copy of Steve Brown’s periodical which we get. I always have great intentions to read it, but typically fail. But on Wednesday I sat down and read the whole article. Once again I see how huge God’s grace is in light of the fact that we try and try to “do good” and rarely rely on Him. In this situation we are being forced to rest in our Father’s arms, something I wish I had done more of in the past. Grace requires nothing of us. It seems it’s most clear to me when there’s nothing I can do. This is a time when there is very little I can do for Leslie, even though I yearn so deeply for the cancer to be gone. I can only trust God. I can only rest in Him. It’s a good place to be.

Leslie was able to speak with Dr. Moore today, the doc who actually did the colonoscopy. The good news is that she will not lose her entire colon, but should retain full function from it and may even be recuperated by the start of the school year. The not-so-good news is that the CT scan did reveal a small spot on her lung (only 3 mm). At this point he just wants to watch it. He’ll do another CT scan in 3 months. If it has grown then they’ll go after it. If not, they’ll keep an eye on it.

One thing we’re learning during this process is that the medical world is just like any other world. Talk to one person and you’ll hear their perspective on reality, talk to someone else and you’ll see their’s. These are good folks who are doing their best, but one’s perspective isn’t always as clear as another’s. For example, one doc said the CT scan was clear, but then the specialist read it and he found the spot. So we’re trying to take each bit of news with a grain of salt.

Some have said, “when it rains, it pours.” From McGrooter’s tonsillectomy, to my fall (and subsequent torn disc/fractured back), to the transmission failing on the van… It feels like it’s pouring. In the midst of all that we’re going through with Leslie’s health now, I got a call this afternoon that her grandmother had been rushed to the ER. I left work so that Leslie could go to the hospital to see her. They thought she might have had another stroke. She’s being admitted now and they’ll observe her over night.

After a day like we had yesterday, almost any good news is really good news. This morning we got a call from our doctor that the chest x-rays and CT scan were clear. This means that the cancer has apparently not spread to the liver and lungs. But the doctor did clarify he did not want to give false hope. So we’ll wait for surgery to reveal what’s actually going on. But I’m thankful that the tests were clear because it does tell us one thing, that we were earlier rather than later in catching it. How devastating would it have been to have gotten news that the tests weren’t clear?

This news was a breath of fresh air for. Leslie has really been encouraged by this and the emails, comments, phone calls, and voicemails we’ve gotten.  Thanks most of all for praying. It’s been great to hear so many stories of God’s mercy from others who have gone through this battle.

Today is good. We’re tired. Things still seem a little foggy.

Tonight’s thunderstorms seem appropriate. We haven’t had them in so long, at least not like they are tonight, that they seem novel. For the rain, I am very thankful. For all the lightening and thunder, well…I’m just glad the kids are all asleep now. It’s been a long day.

I took a vacation day today since Leslie was having some medical tests, a colonoscopy to be exact. Yesterday evening she began drinking the prescribed liquid and we’d heard that was the worst part. So I took the kids to get them out of the house and so that we could have dinner without Leslie having to smell it (since she wasn’t allowed to eat anything). We had a great time getting the truck washed (we’re hopefully going to sell it since we need a new van), eating dinner, picking out some new fish for the tank, and picking up flowers to cheer up mom. We got home and the kids went to bed. Leslie was thankful to have had some quiet time.

This morning Leslie’s mom picked her up for the test and I stayed home with the kids. About 10:00 I heard some commotion in the back and discovered Munchkin standing over a pool of tee-tee. She’s been doing well without a diaper, so I was exasperated to discover the mess and immediately got her in the tub. As I was cleaning up the mess the phone rang. It was Leslie. She asked how things were going and I said, in my exasperated tone, “fine.” I asked her how things went, not in any way expecting what I was about to hear. She said, “Well it’s not good. I have colon cancer.” I was speechless. She then began to explain what the doctor had told her. He said that she had polyps, which he removed, a lesion, and cancer. She and her mother asked if it could be something else. He explained that he’d taken a biopsy and we’d have to wait for confirmation, but that he’d been doing this long enough to know what he saw.

When Leslie asked me if I was okay I was sobbing. I wasn’t prepared for it any more than she had been when she heard the news. Her dad came over and I got ready to go to the doctor’s to be with her. They immediately scheduled a chest x-ray and CT scan since this type of cancer spreads to the liver and lungs. I sat with Leslie as she went through these tests, interrupted only to call family and inform them of what we knew. We left the doctor’s office a few hours later and got a call from our primary care doctor to say he was very sorry. I was encouraged that he took the time to call us, but was discouraged that he, after talking with the doctor who did the colonoscopy, was agreeing with him that he too thought it was cancer.

We’ve spent the rest of the day at home, except for a run to the pediatrician to have the kids checked out (Munchkin has empetigo) since they’d been exposed to strep this week. We cried and talked a lot, surrounded by Leslie’s family. Her brother took the day off and her sister drove in from South Carolina. We’ve been thankful for God’s gracious providence in the midst of these circumstances. We could have had to wait for the subsequent appointments for many days, and we were so glad to be able to get many of the initial tests out of the way.

At this point we don’t know for sure that it is cancer. We have to wait for the biopsy. But we feel confident that the doctor this morning would not have been so willing to tell us so unless he was certain. We’re set to meet with the surgeon, a family friend, on Monday to talk about the first action step. Our hope is that surgery will be enough, that we’ve caught the cancer as an early stage. If not, we’ll go from there.

We’re asking our friends and family to join with us in prayer for Leslie. There’s nothing else we can do. Pray too for the kids. They don’t know yet what is wrong and don’t seem to be picking up on much yet. But if this is cancer, then the days and weeks ahead will certainly be a challenge to us all. I’ll do my best to post updates here, and Leslie has also talked about blogging as well, to encourage others and to have an ongoing diary to be an encouragement to us later on.

My heart is heavy this evening after reading an update on some friends of ours. I’ve known Dave & Alma since I was a kid. Over the past months Dave’s health has been deteriorating as he’s been fighting cancer. He is now in the hospital going through a rigorous routine of receiving a stem cell transplant. What struck me in the most recent update is this line from Alma’s email, “Dave has been a great patient and an encouragement to anyone who cares for him–no matter what  has been done, he thanks them and tells them he “didn’t feel a thing” and they did a great job!  The stem cell transplant process is a very structured regimen and he is keeping it to the letter. Every doctor’s dream patient!” If anyone has an excuse to be depressed, I’d give a free pass to Dave. Maybe even to be angry. But this is not what God has called us to. And so when I read this particular line from Alma, I was broken and encouraged at the same time. Dave is suffering to the glory of God. Alma is blogging about their experience, and in her blog I was also blown away at her description of Dave’s fight. She writes, “But we have the hope to see this sweet man for many more days and years because of all he is going through and he is kind enough and willing to do this for us. He has a better place to be, but he is willing to stay with us longer and endure a little more. I consider that a very generous gift from him to us.” I’m not sure I have the strength to fight such a fight were I stricken with this illness. I guess that is why I can rejoice in that God has promised us the strength and grace for whatever He allows us to go through in His kind providence.

Dave has always been an encourager. He serves as an elder in the church I grew up in and later served in. I have a book on my shelf that Dave brought back to me after attending a conference. It may seem like a small gesture but I think of him every time I look at that book and use it as a resource. I also remember how he would come up to me after I preached and both encourage and exhort me with his words. He was always kind, yet spoke the truth. Now I read about how this character trait has not left him in this time of turbulence. That shows that this trait was not of his own working but was the Fruit of the Spirit lived out in his life. I hurt for Dave & Alma and their kids. But I rejoice in his God-glorifying suffering and I pray that God will use this family mightily in the days and months to come.

I’ve really enjoyed reading through the Jesus Storybook Bible with my children. It is written for young children and creatively tells many stories of the Bible in language that young ones can understand. But what I like best about this Bible is that it tells the rest of the story. Each story points to Christ. Last night we read about the promise of Isaac to Abraham and Sarah. At the end of the story it tells of One who would be born in the same family, who would be the Rescuer. Tonight’s story is that of God’s call to Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. At the end, it states how the Rescuer would also climb a hill with wood on His back and would willing lay down his life. But as we know, unlike Isaac, Jesus actually was the sacrifice. The ram that God provided to Abraham points to the Lamb of God. Just like Isaac was Abraham’s only son, Jesus was God’s only Son. The main point of the story is that in both instances, God provided the sacrifice.

I’m not sure how much my kids understand. But the point is that they are hearing not just the stories, but the Story. The entire Bible is one large story that culminates in Christ’s coming, His death and resurrection, and ultimately His return for His People.

In my preaching classes I was taught that this is to be our object of every sermon. Every time a preacher preaches he should end with Christ. I love how this Bible does this so clearly for children. And I love the big eyes that I see across the top of the book as I read to them. It makes me want to be like them, wide-eyed as I read all of Scripture. It is a great primer for children to begin understanding the unfolding Story of Scripture, and I commend it to anyone with young kids.

I had the best of intentions to blog from General Assembly this year, but there was little time. It was a great week in Memphis, and several things will stick with me.

The highlight of the week was our MTW luncheon. We had about 400 people in attendance and the focus was on partnerships. The idea behind partnerships is that the traditional model of missions is losing its effectiveness. This model is where the local church, the missions agency and the field work in a lateral operation. The separation between the church and the field has created a divide between the two. Churches lack a sense of making an impact. The field feels alone. The missions agency can become bureaucratic. So in the past few years churches have sought to become their own sending agency. This has a number of weaknesses. Churches lack sustainability by themselves. Small churches are inadequate compared to big churches in what they can do. And churches of all sizes which do this end up requiring  a staff so large that the actual cost of “doing” missions is exorbitant. The partnership model brings the three together, rather than in a lateral line, working in concentric circles. At the lunch we demonstrated this by having a U.S. pastor, a missionary, and a national church leader in front. In this particular scenario the pastor spoke about how the relationship with the field developed from supporting missionaries, to the church sending short term teams. Soon the church brought the national leader from Mexico to the U.S. and hosted he and his family while they attended seminary at RTS. Now the church’s associate pastor and his family, Michael and Tricia Lee, are going to Mexico as long term missionaries. It was a special joy to me as  I have had the joy of working closely with the Lees as they have come through the assessment process and are now raising support. Partnerships work because each entity does what it can do best. The church is able to provide people and resources, the national leaders are the best leaders in their own country (they know the language, the culture, and they will raise up their own replacements rather than the mission agency sending new missionaries), and the mission agency can handle the administrative and care responsibilities most effectively and efficiently.

Another memory from the week was seeing a number of old friends and hearing how God is working throughout the PCA. It was also great to develop new relationships with pastors and ruling elders, and forging new paths to assisting churches in developing their missions ministries. Face-to-face time with people always proves more fruitful than relying solely on phone calls and emails. I experienced this especially with one church with which there has been some difficulty in their relationships with some of our fields. Walking away from this week I was struck with the effectiveness of simply talking through issues.

I left for Memphis struggling with loving the PCA. I love the theology of the PCA and I love the people in our denomination but sometimes I wrestle with loving the PCA. We’re not perfect. But General Assembly is refreshing because it demonstrates so many of the benefits of working together. God’s glory is our corporate goal, and his method of demonstrating His glory is through His Church. Watching the leaders wrestle with difficult issues, such as the Federal Vision debate, and then resolve and state that this movement does not represent the Confession, and therefore Scripture, renewed my commitment to the PCA. I still long for us to do better in a number of areas, such as genuine kindness (while balancing the purity of the church with the unity of the church), appreciating and using the gifts of all in the church (while appreciating the office of teaching elder, dismantling the fraternal order that divides it from the laity), and pursuing diversity (without pursuing it for diversity’s sake, but learning to appreciate all people groups). We’ve got a ways to go, but for now this is where I’m led to belong and serve. I long to finish my seminary work and get back in the trenches of pastoral ministry, but am resting in God’s sovereign timing, knowing that He is at work.

When will I learn? I guess that’s a question I will be asking until I die. If you don’t know what bovine theology is or how it began, read here. There have been numerous additional occasions for me to learn the same lesson, such as this and this, but I’ve got another tale to add to the list.

I haven’t blogged in a while due to a number of things. On Memorial Day I fell and injured my back. I’ve already written about it, but I’ve continued to struggle with the “why.” I shouldn’t really, but I have. It happened at what seemed like the worst of times. Leslie and I were to attend Living in Grace, a week-long training conference for new MTW missionaries that prepares them spiritually for the road ahead. I was disappointed to say the least. It’s the third time I tried to attend, and I was especially excited about the fact that this time Leslie could go with me. It was the only time she could due to her teaching schedule. But the doctor, my family and those at work all advised me not to go. So we cancelled. I can only wonder why at this point. But the next week (this past week) I was scheduled to attend General Assembly (GA). I made it to Memphis and just returned last night. It was a wonderful week, and as I returned I was overwhelmed by God’s graciousness in that I had very little pain all week. That’s saying a lot as most days were 12-15 hours long and consisted mostly of standing on a concrete exhibition hall floor.

But my faith was weak going into the week. I was concerned about my back. And then to add to that I learned just days before I left that our transmission on our van was shot, again. This is the second time we’ve faced this predicament and even though God amazingly provided for the first transmission replacement, I didn’t react to the news based on His goodness. I spent a great deal of time at GA on the phone trying to decide what to do about the van. We ended up opting to have the transmission rebuilt, not knowing how we would pay for it. Then today I was approached by someone who recently saw some of my video work and asked if I would be interested in taking on a project for them. Would you like to guess what they offered for the project? Yes, it was the exact amount of the transmission. And they want to pay in advance. So hear I am, again, reveling in God’s goodness and amazed at how weak my own faith is.

On top of the worries about the van and my back, we also went through another trial in our family this week that brought a great deal of stress on us. I can’t go into details other than to say it involved some very serious threats against our family. But by the end of the week the police had resolved the case and although we are still a bit flustered by this, we rejoice that God protected us through it and delivered us from it.

So once again I am looking at three things that attacked my faith. Three things that seemed impossible to overcome. And God has brought deliverance from them all. Why then do I continue to worry? Why do I still get angry and frustrated at difficulties in life? I can only say that I look to myself in life’s situations more than I do my Savior. I still have so much to learn. But this I can say with great confidence. As a child of the King I am not alone, nor am I left to solve my own problems. My God has promised not only to supply all my needs, but to graciously care for me as only a Father can. And so as Father’s Day arrives, I rejoice in my adoption by my Heavenly Father who loves me greatly and is showing that love over and over again.

While convalescing I stumbled across this amazing piece of footage. It’s worth watching the whole thing. Some amazing twists and turns: