Bovine Theology

I’d never heard this song. I enjoyed the verses but the “refrain” hit my like a bat on the forehead. It shouldn’t have, but it did.

Nearly another month has flown by since my last post. As with most everyone I know, we’re busy. What’s new?! But we are doing well, despite the continued adjustment back to the school routine. The kids each seem to be enjoying their new classes and teachers. Leslie is still regaining strength and starts physical therapy next week.

My schedule has kept me busy. My latest project has been Leslie’s school website. It started out as me volunteering to update and maintain the current website, but then no one had access to the past designer’s material. So I “got” to re-design the site from the ground up. It is mostly finished now with just some final content to be added as I recieve it. The website is here.

I’ve also been on the road a good bit, with a trip to Michigan last week. I flew in and out of Detroit, but had the opportunity to criss-cross the state a few times, traveling to Grand Rapids, Holland, up through Midland and Bad Axe, and finishing in Traverse City. It was an absoulely beautiful time of the year to be there, and I was blessed with getting a nice rental car with a big sunroof! My meetings went well and even got to visit with a pastor who (after about an hour of conversation) I realized I knew from about 20 years ago! After one of my meetings, a couple on the missions committee took me out on Lake Michigan on their boat. We spent about an hour and a half on the lake and it was gorgeous. I’m trying to get in some visits to my northern states before it gets too cold, at which time I’ll refocus on my southern (and warmer) states! I took a bunch of pictures with my camera phone which I’ve placed on FaceBook here (hopefully the link will work).

We’re getting more involved in our church in Gainesville. I’ve begun teaching the college and young adults sunday school class and we’re starting a small group in nearby Dawsonville in the coming weeks with another couple. We have also started Financial Peace University which will hopefully help keep us focused and motivated on the task of getting out of debt. Every time we watch Dave Ramsey, a ritual which Leslie keeps us disciplined doing regularly, I am reminded how counter-cultural this idea is. Yet it is also continually humbling as I am reminded of my past mistakes. So, for any young people who might read this, take it from me…avoid debt like a plague!

Tomorrow we are planning on going to the funeral of a friend from years ago, JoAnn Calderwood. She and her husband were friends of ours when we first got married. She died, unexpectedly, of a heart attack last week. She called Leslie the night before she died and they talked for about half an hour. It has been a shock to us both, but was especially to Leslie after their talk. Please pray for her husband, Gene.

Next week, I will going through a Bible study/workshop, called Living in Grace at work. It is a course that all of our new missionaries go through and is similar to Sonship. I’ve been trying to do it several times since I started at MTW, but things always seemed to come up. Leslie and I were supposed to do it together last spring, but I fell and fractured my back the week before. I’m disappointed that she and I can’t do it together, but I am excited about this opportunity for me to be challenged.

On a lighter note, I’m happy to say that my “new” little Civic is doing great on gas mileage. I keep track of my MPG with every fill-up, thanks to my dad’s training, and my lowest measurement so far has been 31 MPG for a tank. It’s never been so fun to save on gas!

I meant to write something about each of the kids but it is late, so I will just say one thing about Aggie. She is growing up to be quite the young lady and really enjoys helping. Sometimes too much for her mother and I! But we’re learning to be patient and foster this desire in her. She gets her stool (the one my dad built for me when I was 2) and brings it in the kitchen to help with meals, packing lunches, and anything else we’ll let her do. During one of our meals this week, she was describing something from her day to me. In the midst of her dialogue she used the expression, “and you know, that freaks me out!” Leslie and I both had a good laugh. She loves “helping” the Munch do a variety of things, sometimes with Muchkin’s protest. But since we don’t know how long this might last, we are learning to cherish it and are trying to point her to Christ in and through it.

Leslie and I vowed to each other, for better or for worse, that we’d stay together some nine years ago yesterday. I never quite imagined an aniversary like this one and I’m sure Leslie never did either.

Leslie recieved her fifth round of chemo on Tuesday. She’s felt pretty good since then, just a little tired. When I got home from work last night, she’d already fed the kids and was working them through the showers while I ate. I got them in bed, and without any reading to them, I hit my head soon thereafter. I’m not sure what my deal is. Normally when I get an antibiotic, I am doing much better within 24 hours. I started this one on Monday afternoon and I felt awful last night. I can’t stop coughing. So I’m sure Leslie thought, “Wow, my husband the romantic,” while I thought that she would be the one in bed first. I’ll have to do something really special to make up! Maybe my early rising this morning will make today a better one…if I can just stop hacking.

There isn’t really much new news on our end. The kids are all sniffling, but no one seems to be doing too bad. The Christmas tree is up and they always want the lights plugged in first thing when they get up.

Meals have been coming all week so we have not had to cook each night. Cindy came over on Monday and worked her magic around the house and with the kids.

I do need to take care of one thing and that is because I’m not sure how else to do this. But we did receive a letter from Santa with a very generous Wal-Mart gift card. I’m still not sure that guy is really up there at the North Pole, so I’m guessing that was someone’s way to bless us anonymously. So this is the only way I know to say, “THANK YOU!” We were blown away and can’t even begin to convey how much that means to us.

I do hope to do better at my blogging once I am feeling better. Trust me, it’s not the only thing I’ve slacked off on. I’m way behind on my web work. But this stuff, having now plagued me over a week, has got to be near the end. So normal, whatever that is, should be close around the corner.

Today we had two reunions. We left early this morning to travel to Fayetteville, Georgia to attend Berachah Bible Church. This is the church I grew up in and later served for three years as Associate Pastor. Most of my family was there, including my sister from Pennsylvania. We had a wonderful time seeing so many old friends, even though it was brief. It was such an encouragement to be reminded by so many of them of their love for us and their continued prayers for our family, especially for Leslie.

Afterward we went to my brother and sister-in-law’s for a family reunion to celebrate a number of birthdays and to spend time with my sister. We had a wonderful time enjoying a meal together outside. Rob & Stacy rented this huge inflatable slide (some 22 feet high!) for the kids to play on. It was a hit! The weather was warm and the sun was bright. While we were there, our good friend Christa (from Berachah) came by and gave us a card from the church. They have been collecting gifts and put them together in the form of two very generous gift cards to Kroger and Publix. These will no doubt cover several weeks worth of groceries! I’m amazed by the love of this church family. Christa commented that it was if we were still a part of that body and that it was like we never left. It is hard to put into words how blessed we feel. Thank you Berachah family for this generous showing of Christ’s love. God continues to use His Body, spread far and wide, to meet our needs and care for us.

Needless to say, the kids were exhausted as we headed home. They had a blast playing with the cousins, and faded in and out of sleep during the drive. I hope they will sleep soundly tonight!

Leslie is tired as well. But this trip was so worth it for our entire family. As we continue to grieve the loss of Nannie, we are reminded how important these times together are.

We are in the final stretch of Leslie’s first round of treatment. This is the last week of the radiation and chemo combo. We’re ready for it to be over to. I know that probably sounds silly, but I don’t know how much more of this I’d care to go through. Leslie continues to lose weight, continues to struggle with side effects, and continues with the discomfort of the actual treatment. I’m tired in more ways than one. The constant stress of this situation and the ripple effects of it into our lives and the lives of our family has been wearisome. I’d say “I’m not complaining, but…” But I am. I guess I feel like being honest tonight. I sure have been a lot lately. I’ve ceased with the pleasantries in responding, “fine, how are you?” I guess I get kind of blunt when I’m tired. It’s probably more to my detriment at home and at work. I guess I’m ready for this to be over not just to see Leslie relieved, but so that we’re all relieved. I know that is selfish. It is. And it would be a lot more noble to say that I care only about Leslie. But I’m being honest. I guess that is okay.

When David was worn out, stretched to his limit, and stressed out he complained. But he always ended up in the same place…praising God. And I can say that is where God has brought me. Not instantly. You can ask Leslie because she’s caught the brunt of my venting. But in the midst of my weariness I know God is at work. I know He is doing something. I was reminded today that I may never know the reason. That’s okay.

Grace is one of those things I’ve talked about a lot in my life. It’s fun to talk about. But really resting in God has been a whole other thing for me lately. When do I have time to rest? When do I have time to be still? When do I have time to be quiet? I certainly haven’t taken the time. Maybe that’s been my biggest blunder.

I’ve said it once (or twice) that God’s economy is not ours. His ways are not our ways. Why would He take us through Leslie’s cancer, take us through the trauma of not completing seminary, take us through one move after another, one job to the next, one church to another church? This would not be my way of working. Maybe I’ll find that much of this has been due to my failed leadership, my mistakes, my lack of discipline. It’s hard to sort out the difference between God leading us through trials to develop perseverance and God disciplining us for our mistakes. I wish I knew the answers. But one thing I do know…whether His testing us or His disciplining us, no mistake of mine is beyond His control. Or to look at it differently, not mistake of mine is un-redeemable. And so I come back to grace. Either way I have to come back to grace. I can’t undo my seminary “adventure,” my career path, or my financial decisions. I certainly couldn’t stop Leslie’s cancer. And so all I can do is rest in God’s grace. All I can do is trust Him. I wish I could say something very eloquent, but I’m empty of words. I just don’t know what God is up to. But I know that He is good, and I know that He is faithful. This is where I must rest.

Tonight, McGrooter and I read the story of the Ten Commandments. It’s been fun to share this time with him, letting him read a page and then I read a page. I was reminded of how the Ten Commandments point us to our inability to be perfect as God is perfect. But that is what is required. But the Bible story pointed us at the end to Christ. In Him alone can we find perfection. It is in no way in us. We are incapable. I can honestly say that I think I would go nuts in our current situation if Christ hadn’t credited me with His righteousness. I don’t mean that hyperbolically. I mean I really think I’d go nuts. I have never been more appreciative for Christ’s work on my behalf than in the midst of this. As I see how incapable I am, over and over again, I realize more than ever that Christ’s gift to us is huge. I constantly fall short, and yet Christ hits the mark for me. I’m thoroughly enslaved to my wretchedness and yet Christ’s righteousness is credited to me. I continually setup idols in seeking satisfaction, and Christ slays them. I feel completely worthless daily, and yet Christ makes me worthwhile. I don’t always see it, or feel it, but yet I know it. What would I do if I didn’t know these things?

Leslie had a good day today. Her body is still racked by the treatments of radiation and chemo, and yet she is strong. Anne Johnston, our pastor’s mother, came over this afternoon to play with the kids and brought us dinner. It made the evening go so smoothly once I got home. The kids got to bed early, which they really needed! Les and I even got a few minutes to visit. After tomorrow, she has only one week left of radiation!

I’ve had a bunch of thoughts running through my head, spawned from songs, sermons, emails, and conversations, each woven into life at some point in the past few days. I thought I should get them out.

I can’t tell you how much peoples’ comments on the blog and emails to me have meant. To know that people are keeping up with our lives in the midst of this journey, knowing they’re praying, and knowing that some are being encouraged through it all is strengthening. I got an email from someone I’ve never met, just to tell me he’s reading and praying. I read the comment from Rosemary today, saying they’ve been praying the whole way through. Rosemary was a middle schooler in my first youth group I pastored. She’s now all grown up, married, and a mother of two. It blows me away that she even remembers me, let alone cares to pray for my wife. But what strikes me is this, God chooses to be glorified in some strange ways. But I don’t want it to be any other way.

I don’t want it to be any other way because I’m not God.  God has an uncanny way of working out everything for good. Every time He does. He doesn’t parent like I wished my dad had parented me when I was a kid. When you’re young, you want your dad to take it easy on you, to cut you some slack, give you what you want, and let you have your freedom. But then you grow up and realize your dad did you a favor every time he was tough on you because he was “making a man out of you.” Then you grow up some more when you become a dad and are overwhelmed at the amount of love you can have for your kids, and at the same time are compelled to prepare them for life. You want to make your sons into men and your daughters into ladies. You don’t want your sons to be lazy, weak or fearful; so you are tough. You don’t want your daughters to be whiney, shallow, or haughty; so you don’t let them wrap you (at least not too tight ). But then you find yourself, or at least I find myself wishing God would take it easy on me, cut me some slack, give me what I want…and I realize I’m a kid again. I’m a fool. Today, Dr. Kooistra challenged us during our staff worship time to embrace what God is taking us through. He can talk…he’s got room to talk. Especially to me. His wife has been battling cancer for years. What struck me from this was one particular illustration about a professor of his from seminary was how this professor had been shaped as a result of losing a very young son to leukemia. He expressed that his son would not have been better off had he lived…and neither would he. His ministry was so shaped by this great loss, something none of us would ever want or prescribe for ourselves, let alone our enemy. And so I was convicted about my own self-pity, particularly how I’ve been continually questioning God why I’m not back in the pastorate. Today I was reminded that God is shaping me. He has put us through some pretty tough stuff, and there is purpose behind it.

Even in this pressure cooker I am not the man I want to be. I’m amazed how I still long to please people and hide my own struggles. I’m a hypocrite. I would rather be right than be merciful, be seen righteous than act justly, and be righteous more than be humble. I’m baffled. In the midst of such struggle I try to be seen as strong rather than dependent on Christ, viewed as happy rather than satisfied in my Savior, and be thought of as noble rather than humble. All the ingredients are there to make a man that brings glory to God, and yet I am a mess. I’m angry, thankless, and pitiful. And yet even as I write this I see God’s grace in my life. I’ve been spared of so much. I’ve been blessed when I should have been cursed. Tonight I see my heavenly Father making a man out of me. Even though I feel like giving up, like a kid wanting my way rather than the tough love that will make a man out of me, even though that’s how I feel I know that God is faithful. He doesn’t give up on me.

Once again, I feel blown away. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine at work, Kendra, expressed how she wanted to do something for Leslie. She has been reading Leslie’s blog and then some other cancer survivors’ blogs. One of the things she recounted (I’ll quote some of the letter Kendra wrote to Leslie), “[I] read about this particular woman’s experience and some things that her friends did that encouraged her while she was going through treatment. One thing that struck me was her talking about receiving “gifts of beauty” – things that made her environment more beautiful, more cheerful, while she was feeling plain yuck. So that got the wheels spinning in my mind…” What developed in Kendra’s mind was to hold a Southern Living at Home party in Leslie’s honor, making Leslie the surprise hostess (Kendra is a SL at Home consultant). “So for the last three weeks,” writes Kendra, “your friends and family all over Georgia have been buying Southern Living at Home products in your honor.” The result is that Leslie would get the “hostess dollars” as a shopping spree to buy some “gifts of beauty” for her home.

When Kendra first mentioned her idea to me, I was so moved that anyone would want to do something for Leslie like this. But I was even more encouraged when I saw how many people responded to this invitation. My mom took the catalog to her work, and Leslie’s friend Sara took it to her school. Kendra also put the word out at our work and even had a party.

I have to say, I expected some people to take part. And I thought it would be nice for Leslie to have a little gift certificate to SL. But I had no idea how great this conspiracy would become. Today I brought home a card, a very big card, that had been signed by a number of people from MTW. In it was a letter (from which I quoted above) that explained what had been done. At the bottom of the letter were instructions to turn over the paper to see the amount she had as a shopping spree. In the beginning, I thought maybe $100 or $150 would be a very nice spree. I am still not believing that Leslie has $1000, yes…that’s three zeroes. When Kendra told me, my mouth dropped open. And you should have seen Leslie’s reaction when she opened the card and read the letter. Actually, you can see it here in this video:

Now let me explain why this was so meaningful to me. It wasn’t the shopping spree, or the amount (that might have been different if Southern Living at Home made plasma TVs). I was so amazed that people would be a part of something, knowing it was to bless my wife. I know people ordered things they probably like. But I bet a lot of people ordered, not because they were dying for a certain product, but because they wanted to encourage Leslie. And more so, it gave a number of people, who don’t know Leslie, the opportunity to almost reach out and touch her. It allowed them to be a part of her struggle, and encourage her along in the race. So thanks Kendra, mom, Sara, and all who participated in this to encourage Leslie. It was a real encouragement to me to see others caring for the one I love so much.

One other cool story for the week. A lady, who we don’t know, brought Leslie a cooler full of food the other day. She explained that when she heard Leslie’s story (I can’t even remember how she heard), she wanted to do something for her (even though she didn’t know her). She is a gourmet chef, and so she began to cook. Our freezer is now stocked with a number of gourmet items, Italian I believe, on which we may dine as the days progress. She told Leslie how she gets one kind of sausage delivered from this place and salmon from another, and so on. I can’t wait to partake!

It was a great day for Leslie, not just with this surprise, but she felt better today than yesterday. It also marks the end of week 2 of radiation. The weekends are a nice break from the radiation too. Tomorrow we head to Macon to attend Leslie’s cousin’s wedding. The kids will keep my folks…I mean, my folks will keep the kids (you know how that works with grandparents). Leslie and I are using some points to stay in a hotel Saturday night and hopefully get some much needed rest.

Leslie had a good day today. It was much better than yesterday. The pain of the side effects continues to be one of the biggest challenges, along with the fatigue.

The week has been a blur for me. I developed a sinus infection a couple days ago so my head has been pretty foggy. It’s such a challenge for me to be patient and kind. I keep having to go back to the fact that I know God is at work, and He is strengthening our faith.

Yesterday, two of Leslie’s “girls” came to bring us dinner. Lauren and Danielle both attended Starr’s Mill High School when Leslie taught there from 99-01. She coached them in volleyball and they met to pray and study God’s Word together. Now, both are through college and married. They are no longer girls, but women. What an encouragement it was to our family for them to bring us dinner (all the way from Fayetteville and Marietta) and visit with us. I was personally challenged to trust God more as I listened to them talk about their lives, and how they love Christ.

Our pastor’s wife and mother came over one morning this week and cleaned our house. They took all of our laundry (and believe me, it was a LOT), and washed it. It was so uplifting to hear them say, over and over, that it was joy for them to serve us in this way. We have truly been blessed by Christ’s body.

As we continue on in this journey, I’m mindful of God’s economy. It’s not ours. He often works in ways that go beyond our understanding. Yet in all the strangeness of His working, we see He is good. It doesn’t always feel good. But we are confident that He is. And this is even more mind-boggling when I think of how I fail. I don’t deserve His goodness. And yet I am still here, somehow making it. Not on my own strength, and certainly not in my own way. I’d choose a much easier path if I could. And so I am thankful that I am not at the helm. I still wonder a lot. I wonder about the “why.” But I don’t have to understand, and believe me I don’t.

One thing in particular that strikes me is how real pain feels. Pleasure often seems surreal, but pain causes me to feel like I am really in the midst of this. Pleasure can be so numbing, but pain reminds me I am alive. It strikes me that my contentment, as rare as that can be these days, is so self-focused. It is not the contentment I long for, contentment in God. But pain leads me to God, because it forces me to rely on Him. And somehow, in that strange way, I can then be content in Him as I should be. I wish the pain were solely mine. But even that is selfish. God is working in my family’s lives as well.

Please keep praying for Leslie. She continues to be a beacon of God’s grace in our home. There is much she could be bitter about, and yet she isn’t. Pray for the kids too. They’re weary. But I can even see God ministering to them, His grace and mercy, through this all.

Today Leslie went to work, then to radiation, and was able to return to work afterward. She had a good day. She is still in a great deal of pain and is working with her doctors to find the best treatment. Her radiation oncologist has been very gracious with his time, reassuring her that he is available to answer any and all of her questions.

After work, Leslie was able to rest while the older two did their homework and watched TV from her bed. We’ve been so thankful for how God has graced them with the patience and care for their mom. Aggie has even enjoyed rubbing her mom’s feet and legs with lotion, and doting on her.

This evening, Leslie and I met with our Pastor, Ralph Johnston, and the elders at East Lanier Community Church. They gave up a great deal of time to talk with us and then pray for us. They annointed Leslie with oil before they prayed. The tears flowed and I was so moved by this great act of shepherding. I am so thankful for these men who put caring for us spiritually over business and administrative tasks. No one looked at their watches. Thoughtful questions and words of deep encouragement flowed to us. It was a beautiful thing.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4).

This command is so much easier to read than it is to implement. This week has been one of the hardest of my life. It’s only half over. I would say that it is the hardest ever, but I’m not sure that it is. I told Leslie last night that I haven’t felt this low in a long time, but I do remember feeling this low just a few years ago when we were in seminary. During both this time and the time a few years back I felt a great sense of being out of control. But while in seminary, much of what we reaped was due to my failure to confront. So in part, it was because of my failure. Now, I find myself in a situation that is not the result of my failure. So therein is some hope. I have to accept this trial, and face it, with joy. I can’t sulk in my failures. I can’t blame myself. So this is a new lesson. As strange as it may sound, I think I tried to deal with the struggles while we were in seminary as if I controlled part of it. But here I find myself even more out of control. I couldn’t prevent Leslie’s cancer any more than I can take it away now.

So here I find a new test to my faith. I am now dealing with a tragedy that in no way I contributed to, except in the sense that I am one of Adam’s race, a sinner. But this struggle is in no way the direct result of my sin. It has simply been allowed. Furthermore, I feel out of control in that I can’t take Leslie’s cancer away. I can’t make the treatment any easier on her body. I can serve her, and try to make her life easier, but I can’t make her body respond any differently. Herein I must trust God in a whole new way. The kind of steadfastness that’s required here is far beyond anything that’s ever been required in my life. And I must say that it is beyond anything I can produce in myself. I am leaning, or trying to lean, completely on God for this kind of patience. It is only by His Spirit that I can rest. Yet I find myself trying to drum up the strength to handle this myself. I am trying way too hard. And as I try, I find myself more inadequate. I thought my life was busy before: married, with kids, a full-time job, two part time jobs, trying to finish seminary, trying to get out of debt, trying to keep up a house, trying to pay bills, and remember to spray weed killer, and change the oil, and take my allergy medicine, and pack my lunch for the next day, etc… Now, life is way beyond that. So many of those things seem so trite. I can’t do it all. There’s really no way. So now I find myself either stressing out as I remember all the things I was supposed to accomplish today, or praying to God for the trust that I would rely on Him for the grace not to accomplish everything. That’s a battle! Before, I easily beat myself up for not getting it all done. Now I know that I can in no way get it all done.  But as I learn to rely on God, I watch Him meet our needs, by His Spirit working in our lives to provide the steadfastness we need, and by His Spirit prompting others to come alongside us and help meet our physical needs. The formula sounds so easy, “count it all joy.” But it is so tough.

Tonight I hurt more deeply than I ever have for Leslie. I hate what she is going through, and yet I am commanded to count it all joy. I know our suffering could be so much worse. But these are the shoes I’m walking in. So as I learn, more so this time than ever, I must count it all joy. Right in the middle of the hurt, I must count it joy. Joy in pain. Now there’s something to hang your hat on.

Thanks to all who are continually praying for Leslie. Tomorrow she goes back to work. She has a load far beyond mine as she cares for so many details in her life, many of which (for the first time) now involve her. Pray for her stamina and for her joy. Pray for her body and the next round of chemo and radiation she will experience tomorrow. Pray that this test of our faith will indeed produce the steadfastness that would glorify God. Pray that His glory would shine, even when I lose my patience, revel in pity, and allow my anger to ignite. I long to be a vessel to Leslie and the kids during this time, a vessel of God’s grace. I am usually not, but oh, how long to be.